The following post is in honor of Piper Bayard’s début novel, Firelands. If you’ve read Piper’s and Holmes’ blog, you know that any book she writes is gonna be thrilling, funny, a little scary and, well, awesome. If you haven’t read their blog, go read it. Right now. And then go get the book…or Felinius Maximus will hunt you down.
You’ve been warned.
Fast forward to tomorrow morning…
You wake up expecting the day to be like every other one. You’ll drag your butt out of bed, pry your eyelids open and stumble into the kitchen to throw some scalding coffee (or tea, matcha, whatever) down your gullet along with
leftovers donuts a nourishing breakfast.
*Unless of course you’re one of those morning people who hops out of bed singing of sunshine and roses like Cinderella on speed. In that case, make sure never to talk to me in the morning before my coffee.*
Instead of a day like any other, you wake up to:
- Darkness and wailing. The sun turned black as sackcloth, stars falling to earth and weird locust creatures gussied up in armor (kind of like this guinea pig but way scarier).
- Hordes of walking dead, shambling up the streets, hungry for your brains.
- Alien-robot-vampires bent on harvesting the human population for use as brainless (and, worse, unpaid) labor on their home planet Mecharmphrumph.
- All media sources streaming all Elmo, all the time.
- [Insert alternative terrifying apocalyptic scenario here]
In such a case, you’ll want to arm yourself with all the survival essentials: a weapon (whether it’s zombies or human foes, you’re bound to need a weapon sooner or later), food (tactical bacon, perhaps) and your trusty animal companion. The only question is, which animal buddy is the best choice for the apocalypse?
How about a horse (as my daughter suggested)? Transportation, or carrying of supplies, and companionship. All you need is a steady supply of green grass or hay…both of which may be a little tough to come by, depending on the apocalyptic scenario.
Maybe a creature of the feline persuasion? After all, cats are stealthy and skilled hunters. Perhaps Mittens will keep you flush with bluebirds, mice and lizards (hey, they may not sound delicious but at least you won’t starve). Then again, Mittens is unlikely to stick around for long once the canned tuna runs out.
Or perhaps you’d choose man’s trusty companion, Canis lupus familiaris, the dog. They’re trainable, have a keen sense of smell so they can warn you of approaching zombies (or suspicious humans), and unparalleled loyalty. Since most dogs are about as finicky as goats when it comes to mealtimes, you’ll probably have little trouble scaring them up some dinner. All that and an endless desire to play fetch. What other animal could boast better apocalypse-companion credentials?
What do you think? What’s the perfect animal companion for the apocalypse and why? Is your choice of animal companion dependent on the apocalypse scenario?
Bonus points for the most creative and unusual answers.
*Note: You don’t actually get any points for your answers. That’s just a saying, you know. *